-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I stared at the closed door someone was singing on TV - Idea Star Singer it didn't interest me anymore. Making a decision I opened the door.

He was there on the bed (surprisingly) staring intently at his laptop screen; his fingers speedily yet gracefully pressing on the keys. He didn't notice my presence. That irritated me more. I went over and sat next to him; nope, no response.

Things to do: Destroy the laptop ASAP.

I: I am bored. :-(

He: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Note: He got this hmmm thing from me.

I: How long are you going to stare at that stupid computer?

He: Hmmmmmmmmm

I: Hello, are you listening?

He: Hmmmmmm what?

I: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa you and your stupid work.

I: Spend some time with me. I am bored.

He: Hmm one sec molu

Note: Molu is an endearment in Malayalam. He calls me that especially when I start behaving like a 3 year old child. Also please note the length of hmm has reduced. And :-( is me pouting. And no I do not have Angelina Jolie lips to make him notice my pouting.

I: One sec over!!!!

He: Yeah yeah just one small thing and I am done.

I: hmmmmmmm :-(

Silence for sometime. I decide to distract him.

Cuddling up next to him I start to read what he is working on. Impressive; not that I understand a word of it but I like the way he has presented his work. Pouting though I am, he makes me proud.

I raise my hand and touch his moustache. He immediately catches hold of it not taking his eyes off from the computer. I try to touch again with my other free hand. He jerks away.

He: Will you stop that?

He is angry; but I have his full attention now. I pout with full intensity trying to do an Angelina Jolie; don't think I succeeded. His eyes are stern; grim. I manage to bring some tear drops to the corner of my eyes. Hey, but they are genuine!!!!

I see the sternness reducing - replaced with surprise.

He: What happened? Now why are you crying??!!

I: I don't know. I am just feeling sad. You don't even like me touching you. (Huge pouting now)

He: Molu!!!!

Unable to say anything else he stares helplessly. Silently glad that I still manage to surprise him I look at him with all the love that I have.

He: Where are you getting such crazy ideas from???!!!! You know I shouted because I don't like anyone touching my moustache!!!

What is it with guys and their precious moustaches? HMPH!!!!!!!

I: Who do you like more the moustache or me???!!!

He: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

He says that with the sly grin that makes him the most adorable man on earth. But no amount of cuteness can save him from me. I scream out and lunge at him causing him a lot of physical damage.

You might find me silly, stupid, foolish. But this is what I can be when I am with that one person (only one person in this whole world). Dedicated to my love, who spends more time with his laptop than me (hmm at least today he did!!!).

What I felt? Desperate; violent. I got up from the bed and started walking about. I tried to tear away my clothes. I tried to hurt myself. I tried to pray. I begged for some miracle. I demanded some miracle. I didn't get any.

There was no escape from this pain. No element of hope; no element of positivity came to my mind. I was scared; restless; mad. I had no one to call; no one to ask for help. I didn't find any strength within me.

I stood there , on the terrace of my 6 floor apartment looking down; at the very edge. One more step and I would fall down. The end was here. My feet was glued to the ground. I was scared. Never have I been so scared in my life before. My legs refused to move. I kept urging myself but it just wouldn't move. Finally, I ran away from there; not able to execute my decision. I burst into tears;I felt happy. The eerie feeling of doom lifted away from me; relieved.

This is not an account from my life. It's inspired from a book I was reading ;-) I could identify with the character so much that I thought about writing here. What held the character above (that is me :-) ) from taking that final step? I think it was hope the tiniest flicker of hope that still resided in her. It is very difficult to extinguish that flicker of light within you.

I would/could never take that last step towards death willingly. Death is the end; the end of hope; no more second chances; no more better tomorrows; no more beautiful moments. Of course the ideas of the soul, reincarnation and stuff well I don't know/think much about that. My thoughts are pertained to this life and to this body which encompasses the "soul". Call me materialistic; I don't give a damn. I wouldn't take the final plunge willingly. Death is inevitable; but till then I will live my life with the hope for better tomorrows; cherishing the happy moments; hating the sad ones; wanting, expecting and hoping for more and more and more (yes I am so damn greedy); and yes loving my loved ones with that bottomless capacity of mine to love.

Anyone out there mad with grief (well the possibility is less that such a person would be reading blogs right now but still :-)) I ask you to cry over it; scream; shout; moan; beat up someone; throw things at your loved ones; curse God (believe me that is a very effective means to reduce your frustration - put the whole blame on some invisible entity :-)); do anything other than thinking of an easy way out. Please please remember that you will always get second chances as long as you stay alive.

PS: This is just my humble and simple opinion based on what little I have seen in my life. Sorry if I sounded a little preachy :-( I hate people who preach; so believe me it was not my intention to be so.

I was finding it hard to breathe. I couldn't tell anyone what I was going through not even to the person who was the reason behind all conflicts. I stared again at the phone willing it to ring , scared that it would. Why had I given him the number? How would his voice be? What should I say? Would he like my voice?

We talked; long into the night every night. Sleep forgotten; people who had been important once wiped out from the mind. He filled my soul, my heart with his voice, his words, his love. Whispers of dreams, proclamations of love; he took me to his world the place where he was born, where he ached to go back to didn't know mere words could paint such beautiful pictures. He talked of the river, the rain, the beach. I gave him my love; my heart; my soul; my secrets; my grief; my sin; my shame. He enveloped all that and loved me more.

I forgot that he belonged to another; he had his responsibilities and I mine. I forgot all of that. He might have remembered but still he loved. He was strong and I weak. He was pure and I . I made him mine maybe through some black magic no, the magic of love. Love the only thing I could give. I gave it fully; with a kind of desperation; didn't know how else to give it. He took it, drank it down like one who has been thirsty for years did my love scorch him? His did. It made a mark; it was a purification process.

Ten nights: where I discovered myself; ten nights: where his voice gifted me heaven. I slept dreaming the dreams he had woven around me. Wish time could go in a loop where I am living those nights again and again.

Life is about believing in magic; cherishing moments; dreaming; weaving magic through one's imagination; being nostalgic about beautiful moments; looking at the moon and sighing dreamily. This is my tribute to the one who reminded me of what life is; who showed me the magic that I craved for all through my life. This blog is to you, my love you, who made me laugh; cry; you gave me back my childhood; you made me a woman.

I will dream of more nights where you will take me to the place that you talked most about; when we will sit by the riverside and watch the moon's reflection falling on the ripples it should be a full moon day. Maybe it would rain then; the smell of wet earth for me that is the most beautiful smell in this world; you like that smell don't you? I will dream of you making love to me at that moment; other smells mingling with the smell of wet sand; salty rain drops on my face;

Dreams don't cost anything; and I dream; will dream till my last breath.

The title is Beginning beginning of life; beginning of love; so should there be an end? I don't know. Each moment with him is a beginning; a revelation; maybe there is no end.