I was tossing and turning about , not being able to sleep. My heart beating at a very fast pace. I tried to cry. I tried sobbing. No tears came out; just silent screams. I now knew what it meant to have a bleeding heart.
What I felt? Desperate; violent. I got up from the bed and started walking about. I tried to tear away my clothes. I tried to hurt myself. I tried to pray. I begged for some miracle. I demanded some miracle. I didn’t get any.
There was no escape from this pain. No element of hope; no element of positivity came to my mind. I was scared; restless; mad. I had no one to call; no one to ask for help. I didn’t find any strength within me.
I realized that only one thing would release me from this dreadful nightmare – death. Ah the sweet release from my pitiful existence! I thought clearly. Why should I live? I could live; be strong and suffer all that comes my way. I could bear it all and think that tomorrow would be a better day. But I didn’t want to anymore. I was angry with life. I was pissed to the core with life. I decided to end my life.
I stood there , on the terrace of my 6 floor apartment looking down; at the very edge. One more step and I would fall down. The end was here. My feet was glued to the ground. I was scared. Never have I been so scared in my life before. My legs refused to move. I kept urging myself but it just wouldn’t move. Finally, I ran away from there; not able to execute my decision. I burst into tears;I felt happy. The eerie feeling of doom lifted away from me; relieved.
I cried and cried; all the emotions released through my tears. The feeling of being alive – that was so exhilarating. All the pain and the hurt flew away. I regained myself; my positivity and my energy to make things right. I was back.
This is not an account from my life. It’s inspired from a book I was reading ;-) I could identify with the character so much that I thought about writing here. What held the character above (that is me :-) ) from taking that final step? I think it was hope – the tiniest flicker of hope that still resided in her. It is very difficult to extinguish that flicker of light within you.
I would/could never take that last step towards death willingly. Death is the end; the end of hope; no more second chances; no more better tomorrows; no more beautiful moments. Of course the ideas of the soul, reincarnation and stuff – well I don’t know/think much about that. My thoughts are pertained to this life and to this body which encompasses the “soul”. Call me materialistic; I don't give a damn. I wouldn’t take the final plunge willingly. Death is inevitable; but till then I will live my life with the hope for better tomorrows; cherishing the happy moments; hating the sad ones; wanting, expecting and hoping for more and more and more (yes I am so damn greedy); and yes loving my loved ones with that bottomless capacity of mine to love.
Anyone out there mad with grief (well the possibility is less that such a person would be reading blogs right now but still :-)) I ask you to cry over it; scream; shout; moan; beat up someone; throw things at your loved ones; curse God (believe me that is a very effective means to reduce your frustration - put the whole blame on some invisible entity :-)); do anything other than thinking of an easy way out. Please please remember that you will always get second chances as long as you stay alive.
PS: This is just my humble and simple opinion based on what little I have seen in my life. Sorry if I sounded a little preachy :-( I hate people who preach; so believe me it was not my intention to be so.
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