Bear with me for this one!!! ;-)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I stared at the closed door – someone was singing on TV - Idea Star Singer – it didn’t interest me anymore. Making a decision I opened the door.

He was there on the bed (surprisingly) staring intently at his laptop screen; his fingers speedily yet gracefully pressing on the keys. He didn’t notice my presence. That irritated me more. I went over and sat next to him; nope, no response.

Things to do: Destroy the laptop ASAP.  

I: I am bored. :-(

He: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…

Note: He got this hmmm thing from me.

I: How long are you going to stare at that stupid computer?

He: Hmmmmmmmmm

I: Hello, are you listening?

He: Hmmmmmm what?

I: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa you and your stupid work.

I: Spend some time with me. I am bored.

He: Hmm one sec molu

Note: Molu is an endearment in Malayalam. He calls me that especially when I start behaving like a 3 year old child. Also please note the length of hmm has reduced. And :-( is me pouting. And no I do not have Angelina Jolie lips to make him notice my pouting.

I: One sec over!!!!

He: Yeah yeah just one small thing and I am done.

I: hmmmmmmm :-(  

Silence for sometime. I decide to distract him.

Cuddling up next to him I start to read what he is working on. Impressive; not that I understand a word of it but I like the way he has presented his work. Pouting though I am, he makes me proud.

I raise my hand and touch his moustache. He immediately catches hold of it not taking his eyes off from the computer. I try to touch again with my other free hand. He jerks away.

He: Will you stop that?

He is angry; but I have his full attention now. I pout with full intensity – trying to do an Angelina Jolie; don’t think I succeeded. His eyes are stern; grim. I manage to bring some tear drops to the corner of my eyes. Hey, but they are genuine!!!!

I see the sternness reducing - replaced with surprise.

He: What happened? Now why are you crying??!!

I: I don’t know. I am just feeling sad. You don’t even like me touching you… (Huge pouting now)

He: Molu!!!!

Unable to say anything else he stares helplessly. Silently glad that I still manage to surprise him I look at him with all the love that I have.

He: Where are you getting such crazy ideas from???!!!! You know I shouted because I don’t like anyone touching my moustache!!!

What is it with guys and their precious moustaches? HMPH!!!!!!!

I: Who do you like more – the moustache or me???!!!

He: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

He says that with the sly grin that makes him the most adorable man on earth. But no amount of cuteness can save him from me. I scream out and lunge at him – causing him a lot of physical damage.

You might find me silly, stupid, foolish. But this is what I can be when I am with that one person (only one person in this whole world). Dedicated to my love, who spends more time with his laptop than me (hmm at least today he did!!!).

I was tossing and turning about , not being able to sleep. My heart beating at a very fast pace. I tried to cry. I tried sobbing. No tears came out; just silent screams. I now knew what it meant to have a bleeding heart.

What I felt? Desperate; violent. I got up from the bed and started walking about. I tried to tear away my clothes. I tried to hurt myself. I tried to pray. I begged for some miracle. I demanded some miracle. I didn’t get any.

There was no escape from this pain. No element of hope; no element of positivity came to my mind. I was scared; restless; mad. I had no one to call; no one to ask for help. I didn’t find any strength within me.

I stood there , on the terrace of my 6 floor apartment looking down; at the very edge. One more step  and I would fall down. The end was here. My feet was glued to the ground. I was scared. Never have I been so scared in my life before. My legs refused to move. I kept urging myself but it just wouldn’t move. Finally, I ran away from there;  not able to execute my decision. I burst into tears;I felt happy. The eerie feeling of doom lifted away from me; relieved.

This is not an account from my life. It’s inspired from a book I was reading ;-) I could identify with the character so much that I thought about writing here. What held the character above (that is me :-) ) from taking that final step? I think it was hope – the tiniest flicker of hope that still resided in her. It is very difficult to extinguish that flicker of light within you.

I would/could never take that last step towards death willingly. Death is the end; the end of hope; no more second chances; no more better tomorrows; no more beautiful moments. Of course the ideas of the soul, reincarnation and stuff – well I don’t know/think much about that. My thoughts are pertained to this life and to this body which encompasses the “soul”. Call me materialistic; I don't give a damn. I wouldn’t take the final plunge willingly. Death is inevitable; but till then I will live my life with the hope for better tomorrows; cherishing the happy moments; hating the sad ones; wanting, expecting and hoping for more and more and more (yes I am so damn greedy); and yes loving my loved ones with that bottomless capacity of mine to love.

Anyone out there mad with grief (well the possibility is less that such a person would be reading blogs right now but still :-)) I ask you to cry over it; scream; shout; moan; beat up someone; throw things at your loved ones; curse God (believe me that is a very effective means to reduce your frustration - put the whole blame on some invisible entity :-)); do anything other than thinking of an easy way out. Please please remember that you will always get second chances as long as you stay alive.

PS: This is just my humble and simple opinion based on what little I have seen in my life. Sorry if I sounded a little preachy :-( I hate people who preach; so believe me it was not my intention to be so.

Confused emotions; excitement, trepidation, guilt, love, inexplicable happiness;

I was finding it hard to breathe. I couldn’t tell anyone what I was going through – not even to the person who was the reason behind all conflicts. I stared again at the phone – willing it to ring , scared that it would. Why had I given him the number? How would his voice be? What should I say? Would he like my voice?

We talked; long into the night – every night. Sleep forgotten; people who had been important once wiped out from the mind. He filled my soul, my heart – with his voice, his words, his love. Whispers of dreams, proclamations of love; he took me to his world – the place where he was born, where he ached to go back to – didn’t know mere words could paint such beautiful pictures. He talked of the river, the rain, the beach. I gave him my love; my heart; my soul; my secrets; my grief; my sin; my shame. He enveloped all that and loved me more.

I forgot that he belonged to another; he had his responsibilities and I mine. I forgot all of that. He might have remembered but still he loved. He was strong and I weak. He was pure and I … I made him mine – maybe through some black magic – no, the magic of love. Love – the only thing I could give. I gave it fully; with a kind of desperation; didn’t know how else to give it. He took it, drank it down like one who has been thirsty for years – did my love scorch him? His did. It made a mark; it was a purification process.

Ten nights: where I discovered myself; ten nights: where his voice gifted me heaven. I slept dreaming the dreams he had woven around me. Wish time could go in a loop where I am living those nights again and again.

Life is about believing in magic; cherishing moments; dreaming; weaving magic through one’s imagination; being nostalgic about beautiful moments; looking at the moon and sighing dreamily. This is my tribute to the one who reminded me of what life is; who showed me the magic that I craved for all through my life. This blog is to you, my love – you, who made me laugh; cry; you gave me back my childhood; you made me a woman.

I will dream of more nights where you will take me to the place that you talked most about; when we will sit by the riverside and watch the moon’s reflection falling on the ripples – it should be a full moon day. Maybe it would rain then; the smell of wet earth – for me that is the most beautiful smell in this world; you like that smell don’t you? I will dream of you making love to me at that moment; other smells mingling with the smell of wet sand; salty rain drops on my face;

Dreams don’t cost anything; and I dream; will dream till my last breath.

The title is Beginning – beginning of life; beginning of love; so should there be an end? I don’t know. Each moment with him is a beginning; a revelation; maybe there is no end.